Is this how to parent?

[noonereal]

Originally Posted by d-ray657

Don't agree with all of the hard-liners there, but I do believe that the daughter should have complied with the request to turn the music down. She should have learned that by example, a simple matter of common courtesy. I also have no problem in providing offspring with the reasoning for a decision when they ask. They need to learn to make decisions, and explaining the decision making process gives them an example - even if they don't agree with the reasons.

Regards,

D-Ray

here is my theory, the child would instinctively turn down the music if asked rather than be combative if we parent properly from the time the child is small

[epifanatic]

Originally Posted by noonereal

Then as you say counselor we disagree.

I can see no reason for a kid of five to have access to any kind of fire starter.

This is a case of reactionary parenting instead of simple common sense. IMHO of course.

Don't take this the wrong way but, do you have kids?

[noonereal]

Originally Posted by epifanatic

Don't take this the wrong way but, do you have kids?

Sure do. Never hit a one and my youngest told me that she was perceived by her friends as having the toughest father of all.

It's about teaching, setting expectations and making the rewards and consequences clear. (and not after the fact)

Nothing makes my kids feel worse than if they feel they disappointed me and in truth they never do. Sure they make mistakes and that's when they think they disappointed me but really they haven't, we all make mistakes.

[merrylander]

I had my own time raising my son, how other people raise their is their problem. Other than what I observed from my own parent I figure that most of us get lucky since as parents we represent unskilled labour.

[Charles]

From what I've seen, some children are a joy, and some, well, not so much so. What works on one doesn't work on another.

Chas

[noonereal]

the one's that are a joy tend to be a joy because they are secure and happy


ever see that show with the mexican guy who goes to peoples homes and corrects the behavior of dogs that are misbehaving? he pretty much teachers the owner what to do to get the desired response

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by noonereal

Overwhelmingly folks think this is a great idea and that the neighbor should not have butted in.

My opinion is that the parent simply needed to keep fire starters out of the reach of the 5 year old and all this drama would have been avoided.

Frustrating an urge or a need in a child isn't the same thing as teaching the child that the way in which he or she attempts to satisfy it is wrong.

John

[d-ray657]

From my observations, from my conversations with other parents, and from what I have read there are particular aspects of parenting that almost always have positive results. First, kids want limits, even when they whine about them. They are not ready to set their own boundaries, and they gain a sense of comfort when parents set them for them.

Kids who have super-lenient parents seem less happy and alienated from their folks. I could often tell when one of the boys was acting aloof - avoiding parental contact - that something was bothering them. When we had an opportunity to resolve the situation, even when it involved discipline, we had a period of extremely open communication and closeness - like they had been relieved of a terrible burden.

Kids need experiences at making choices very early on. As parents, we obviously limit the choices, but still give them the opportunity to make a choice. Sometimes it is a Hobson's choice, but nevertheless a choice. The more practice they have making decisions, the better they will become with it. If there are positive results from good choices and consequences of bad choices, they learn the thought process. We were sometimes pleased to learn that even when other parents would allow something at their house that we did not allow at ours, the kids would choose to follow our rules (PG-13 and R-Rated movies being one example.) If they had not had experience at making decisions before they were in that situation, they might not have had the confidence to make the choice not to do that.

Finally, "quality time" is not a substitute for quantity time. The more parents participate in the lives of their kids, the more opportunity there is for "learning opportunities" for communication and for guidance. Of course, there has to be a balance. We had to trust our kids to spend time with other families, with other friends, in organizations, etc., but we would do what we could to support activities they choose to participate in. I spent many an hour in the dugout, on the bench, in a tent, in a pew, in the backyard playing catch or looking at stars, and in their bedrooms talking or reading. As a parent, you never know when you are going to learn something from those experiences. Even though they are now in college, I still find opportunities now and again to have a parenting moment. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.

Regards,

D-Ray

[noonereal]

Originally Posted by d-ray657

exactly

Do you think I am an advocate of leniency?
I am the very opposite.

Good job!

more good stuff

Finally, "quality time" is not a substitute for quantity time. The more parents participate in the lives of their kids, the more opportunity there is for "learning opportunities" for communication and for guidance. Of course, there has to be a balance. We had to trust our kids to spend time with other families, with other friends, in organizations, etc., but we would do what we could to support activities they choose to participate in. I spent many an hour in the dugout, on the bench, in a tent, in a pew, in the backyard playing catch or looking at stars, and in their bedrooms talking or reading. As a parent, you never know when you are going to learn something from those experiences. Even though they are now in college, I still find opportunities now and again to have a parenting moment. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.

After reading this post I am shocked you think traumatizing a 5 year old instead of parenting a 5 year old is preferable.

Go figure.

IMO, the worse parents (besides derelicts/seriously troubled parents) are the super-lenient parents. AS you said they offer no structure which leads to insecurity.

[d-ray657]

Noone, I wasn't suggesting at all that you are a too-lenient parent. I was making general observations. Even now, it is surprising when the boys tell us that they appreciate the discipline that they had growing up, because they have seen friends and acquaintances making all sort of damaging choices.

A couple of those kids, however, are ones that were never given the opportunity to make choices. Their parents dictated all choices and were strict to the point of stifling them. Just like the kids who had little discipline, these kids have difficulty making choices once they are on their own. Having not had the opportunity to rebel a bit and start breaking the bonds in the teenage years, they tried to make up for lost time when they got to college.

Bottom line - parenting is more of an art than a science, but just like art, there are methods that provide form and guidance.

As far as the kid in the video, the handcuffs were probably over the top, and I might have had a different idea, but I can't fault the mom for seeking some intervention that was going to the the point across. You can't expect to keep all sorts of danger away from kids, they need to learn how to avoid it on their own too. Once this little boy was bitten by the bug, he was going to find a way to play with fire. Fortunately his consequence was talking to a cop rather than recovering from serious burns. At least the mom was engaged enough that she didn't just give up.

Regards,

D-Ray