Is this how to parent?

[noonereal]

Originally Posted by d-ray657

Noone, I wasn't suggesting at all that you are a too-lenient parent. I was making general observations. Even now, it is surprising when the boys tell us that they appreciate the discipline that they had growing up, because they have seen friends and acquaintances making all sort of damaging choices.

A couple of those kids, however, are ones that were never given the opportunity to make choices. Their parents dictated all choices and were strict to the point of stifling them. Just like the kids who had little discipline, these kids have difficulty making choices once they are on their own. Having not had the opportunity to rebel a bit and start breaking the bonds in the teenage years, they tried to make up for lost time when they got to college.

Bottom line - parenting is more of an art than a science, but just like art, there are methods that provide form and guidance.

As far as the kid in the video, the handcuffs were probably over the top, and I might have had a different idea, but I can't fault the mom for seeking some intervention that was going to the the point across. You can't expect to keep all sorts of danger away from kids, they need to learn how to avoid it on their own too. Once this little boy was bitten by the bug, he was going to find a way to play with fire. Fortunately his consequence was talking to a cop rather than recovering from serious burns. At least the mom was engaged enough that she didn't just give up.

Regards,

D-Ray

The kid is 5. You know how long the attention span of a 5 year old is?

That aside I could not agree with you more. I always like to make my kids part of the decision making process.
When they understand that their opinion is valued they are both confident and secure. When they are respected they respect. That's the trick to raising kids. You can't teach a kid respect by force.

[JCricket]

Well, I kind of see this a little different. The question was asked if this was a good idea, good parenting. My answer - NO!

This kid just had his behavior reinforced. He did something and now he gets attention for it. Also, this screams to me that the parents have real issues. One, how is the kid getting a hold of this stuff? Two, why is he attention starved to where he needs to do this? This is not a normal kid behavior.

Answer those questions and you will likely find the real way to parent that child. I am not saying there shouldn't be consequences, there should be. But grandiose explosions only teach a child how to survive in unpredictable siutations. What the kid needs is a some real attention and consistency. Some praise for good stuff. And direct and immidate intervention for the unacceptable behavior(consequences inlcuded).
The consequences should also fit the crime. And, if you are a parent and wait until things get too far, then it is your own fault, and you should be punished as well, and more severely than the child.

My $20.00 worth!

[d-ray657]

Originally Posted by JCricket

Well, I kind of see this a little different. The question was asked if this was a good idea, good parenting. My answer - NO!

This kid just had his behavior reinforced. He did something and now he gets attention for it. Also, this screams to me that the parents have real issues. One, how is the kid getting a hold of this stuff? Two, why is he attention starved to where he needs to do this? This is not a normal kid behavior.

Answer those questions and you will likely find the real way to parent that child. I am not saying there shouldn't be consequences, there should be. But grandiose explosions only teach a child how to survive in unpredictable siutations. What the kid needs is a some real attention and consistency. Some praise for good stuff. And direct and immidate intervention for the unacceptable behavior(consequences inlcuded).
The consequences should also fit the crime. And, if you are a parent and wait until things get too far, then it is your own fault, and you should be punished as well, and more severely than the child.

My $20.00 worth!

A couple of other factors to take into consideration here - First, the background, the kid had already learned that his involvement with a fire got him loads of attention - the positive kind because he had reported a fire and got all sorts of perks from the fire station; second, that parent had tried other interventions first - she had given him time out, and she had taken his toys away, both as a result of his playing with fire. Third, it is not clear how he got access to matches, but kids can be very resourceful; his fascination with fire would make it very difficult to insure that he never had access to some sort of fire-starter. I think he was fortunate to get a message that made an impression on him without having it be burned into him.

I just wouldn't be so quick to judge a mother who was obviously actively engaged in in raising the child and was attempting to resolve a difficult situation without violence to him. I would not call a mother that would take those steps a failure as a parent.

Regards,

D-Ray

[JCricket]

Originally Posted by d-ray657

A couple of other factors to take into consideration here - First, the background, the kid had already learned that his involvement with a fire got him loads of attention - the positive kind because he had reported a fire and got all sorts of perks from the fire station; second, that parent had tried other interventions first - she had given him time out, and she had taken his toys away, both as a result of his playing with fire. Third, it is not clear how he got access to matches, but kids can be very resourceful; his fascination with fire would make it very difficult to insure that he never had access to some sort of fire-starter. I think he was fortunate to get a message that made an impression on him without having it be burned into him.

I just wouldn't be so quick to judge a mother who was obviously actively engaged in in raising the child and was attempting to resolve a difficult situation without violence to him. I would not call a mother that would take those steps a failure as a parent.

Regards,

D-Ray

Yeah, I am harsh on this one. My issue, they are not addressing the root of the problem - IMnotsoHO of course. Maybe they can't.

I'd bet money that she did give him time outs when he set fires. But, I'd also bet there were times he was caught with matches and wasn't given the time out. Obviously speculative. However, it is very rare for a kid to get a hold of matches(or do anything else wrong) and get caught every time they have them.

So now I wonder how much trust that child has in his mother? I think mom broke a sacred trust - kids believe they will always be protected from other people by their parents. I wonder how this kid feels now. Cna he trust mommy to be there for him? Should he talk to here now?

My mind just goes, and goes, and goes on this one. It is rare I feel so intuitivley strong against something - but this just feels like she added fuel to the problem.

Hope I am wrong!

[d-ray657]

Originally Posted by JCricket

Hope I am wrong!

Me too, but not for the sake of winning an argument.

Regards,

D-Ray

[JCricket]

D-ray,
I have yet to see you try and win an "arguement". Make a point and back it up - soundly and solidly you have. Argue for the sake of argueing - nope.
I wish the twangfest were more than a day!

[noonereal]

Originally Posted by JCricket

D-ray,
I have yet to see you try and win an "arguement". Make a point and back it up - soundly and solidly you have. Argue for the sake of argueing - nope.
I wish the twangfest were more than a day!

Tell D you want laws passed so that politicians and news outlets face consequences when they knowingly betray the public trust by deliberatly lieing to promote an agenda and see.

[noonereal]

Originally Posted by JCricket

Well, I kind of see this a little different. The question was asked if this was a good idea, good parenting. My answer - NO!

You may want to rethink your position, you are the first person that has agreed with me on this!

On a serious note, to me I find it interesting how deep rooted accepted practice (as it were) is as opposed to objective analysis,
this is equally obvious in folks political beliefs.

Gun laws, legalizing drugs, even healthcare reform
Interesting species us humans.

[merrylander]

Originally Posted by noonereal

Tell D you want laws passed so that politicians and news outlets face consequences when they knowingly betray the public trust by deliberatly lieing to promote an agenda and see.

If lieing were to become a crime 90% of the country would be incarcerated.

[JCricket]

Originally Posted by merrylander

If lieing were to become a crime 90% of the country would be incarcerated.

So what you are saying is that only 10% of us are skilled enough at it to get away withit?

Hey D-ray, time to start another thread about outlawing lying!
Can't wait to DISCUSS this with you.
Mark