In defense of marriage

[d-ray657]

Y'all have put up with my rambling posts for awhile here, and I'm going to ask you to indulge me again on the occasion of my 29th anniversary. I think 29 years of marriage qualifies me to say a good marriage doesn't just happen, it takes a lot of work. It also takes good fortune and shared values.

I was fortunate enough to meet my wife while I was taking a shift staying with my grandmother in the hospital. My future wife worked as a nurse aide while she attended nursing school. My opening line was "will you change my grandmother's bed." (Try that one out sometime, all you single guys) She responded in a cheerful way that minimized the nature of the dreary task she had undertaken. After we got to know each other, she would continue to take care of my grandmother each time she would visit my family. After we dated some, I took her to meet my dad, who was in a nursing home as a result of a brain tumor. His roommate became ill while we were visiting, and she was instantly at his side with a emises tray. I knew at that point that I had met someone with a heart as big as the ocean.

In our years of marriage, my wife has given us two sons, and partnered with me to raise two young men who make us proud. One is on his way to being a physicist, and the other plans to become a cop after he gets his degree. She made sure they both know how to treat women and know what it means to work. She has also seen to their exposure to a spiritual life.

My wife has continued to work as a nurse; she does the necessary paperwork and budgeting to make sure we pay all of our bills; she supports her husband in his obsession with vintage stereo equipment; and she has learned how her compassion affects her political views. She has clearly lived up to her vow to take her husband for better or worse, and helped pull him through the struggles of life. In short, I have been luckier than anyone could imagine.

Our marriage has pretty well fit the right wing's definition of marriage. Although we have found that mold comfortable, I would hope that others who don't fit that definition will also be able to find the blessings that we have enjoyed. Happiness should not be limited by race, religion or gender. All loving people should have the opportunity to enjoy the fulfillment that we have worked for and maintained for nearly three decades. I defend marriage as the proper place to be for two people who care enough for each other to want to offer a lifetime of love, support and companionship.

Regards,

D-Ray

[merrylander]

That works for me.

[JJIII]

You have demonstrated your way with words again.

Now show your post to your wife.

[Boreas]

Happy anniversary, D-Ray. You're a lucky man!

John

[Combwork]

I reckon the definition of a good marriage is one that works. After 32 years you could describe ours as open. Very few people start out with an open marriage; they believe the words "forsake all others" but sometimes things change then what do you do? Shut your eyes and pretend everything's ok? Or do you sit and talk as we did 6 years ago. There are quite a few who live like us; friends but not lovers. We've taken the next step; not exactly conventional but there you go. We talk more than we used to, laugh a bit, worry about the same things, try to solve them one way or another. Open door means just that. Sex isn't what holds a marriage together; it's respect, compassion, genuine friendship. Adultery cannot exist if sex outside marriage is known about and excepted by both partners. Our friends know how we live and they're all still our friends.

There will be some on this forum who read the above and profoundly disagree with it. 10 years ago, both my wife and myself would have profoundly disagreed with it but like I said, things change. No bullying, no browbeating, no cheating. The only 'rule' (if you can call it that) is anyone either of us sleeps with knows our partner knows about it. No sneaking round the back door hoping not to be caught. There you go; there's nowt so queer as folk.

Having said all this, I salute you d-ray657. It sounds like you've got something most people look for but many don't find.

[Charles]

Congratulations, D-Man.

I suppose that after 29 yrs, the odds are that you two are going to make it.

My wife and myself have only made it 25 yrs, so we're playing catch up ball.

Chas

[d-ray657]

Originally Posted by Combwork

I reckon the definition of a good marriage is one that works. After 32 years you could describe ours as open. Very few people start out with an open marriage; they believe the words "forsake all others" but sometimes things change then what do you do? Shut your eyes and pretend everything's ok? Or do you sit and talk as we did 6 years ago. There are quite a few who live like us; friends but not lovers. We've taken the next step; not exactly conventional but there you go. We talk more than we used to, laugh a bit, worry about the same things, try to solve them one way or another. Open door means just that. Sex isn't what holds a marriage together; it's respect, compassion, genuine friendship. Adultery cannot exist if sex outside marriage is known about and excepted by both partners. Our friends know how we live and they're all still our friends.

There will be some on this forum who read the above and profoundly disagree with it. 10 years ago, both my wife and myself would have profoundly disagreed with it but like I said, things change. No bullying, no browbeating, no cheating. The only 'rule' (if you can call it that) is anyone either of us sleeps with knows our partner knows about it. No sneaking round the back door hoping not to be caught. There you go; there's nowt so queer as folk.

Having said all this, I salute you d-ray657. It sounds like you've got something most people look for but many don't find.

Good for you for finding a way to remain with your life mate. You illustrate my point. There are many ways that that people can experience a loving relationship, and it is not the rest of our business to say you can or can't have that relationship. To say that only a sexual relationship can be a loving relationship is to severely restrict the meaning of love.

If I am going to be judgemental about anything, it is going to be about those who don't try to make a marriage work. That is not to say that, even for those who work at it, all marriages will last. Just like hard work will not always insure financial success, hard work will not always overcome irreconcilable differences. On the other hand, it is not reasonable to expect financial success without hard work, and it is not reasonable to expect to maintain a marriage without continually working on the relationship.

Regards,

D-Ray

[Charles]

Originally Posted by d-ray657

Good for you for finding a way to remain with your life mate. You illustrate my point. There are many ways that that people can experience a loving relationship, and it is not the rest of our business to say you can or can't have that relationship. To say that only a sexual relationship can be a loving relationship is to severely restrict the meaning of love.

If I am going to be judgemental about anything, it is going to be about those who don't try to make a marriage work. That is not to say that, even for those who work at it, all marriages will last. Just like hard work will not always insure financial success, hard work will not always overcome irreconcilable differences. On the other hand, it is not reasonable to expect financial success without hard work, and it is not reasonable to expect to maintain a marriage without continually working on the relationship.

Regards,

D-Ray

You know what, you're a warm and fuzzy kind of guy...for a lawyer!!!!

Chas

[merrylander]

I realize what a damned lucky man I am when I see people write that you have to work at a marriage to make it go. After 25 years with this delighful lady I never had to 'work' at it at all. Love? Respect? Honor? All those things but I asked the celebrant to leave out the obey part, she is my partner, not an employee.

I guess I can be outspoken as I recall a time I borrowed her car to get to work. The brakes felt awful mushy so I pulled into a brake shop. The mechanic came out and said your rotors are too thin and can't be turned again and the master cylinder is bad. I said can you rebuild it, he said no, needs a new one. I said go ahead fix it. He said it won't be cheap. I looked at him and said "That's my wife's car, it took me 53 years to find her, I don't care what it costs, fix it".

She tells me that I am the best husband in the world and I say she is the best wife, but man, like the song Nana Mouskouri sings "Loving her is the easiest thing I ever did." if this is work, then what I did before was slave labor.

[BlueStreak]

Wow! That was beautiful, Man!

Will "BlueStreak" ever get married?
Probably not.

Dave